When Things Are Good
I don’t think I’m a negative person.
I usually like people, I believe that I’m supportive of my friends and family, and not only do I rarely deny requests from others but I tend to over-sacrifice when given the chance. But I find myself a little unsettled lately, and it’s largely because, well, things seem to be going pretty well for me.
I am executing my marathon-training runs and my core-strength and flexibility workouts consistently (and mostly as they’re planned), so I can’t punish myself for slacking there. My writing has challenged me, but I’m still doing it, and I’m still seeing the progress I want, so I don’t have anything to fix there. My business continues to be a source of more-than-a-little irritation, but again I’m doing everything I can for it, so there’s nothing to correct there either. I communicate with my intimate partner daily, and I’m as emotionally open and forthcoming as I know how to be, so I don’t see what more I could do in that relationship. Same with the interactions with my daughters and my parents and my good friends.
In short, it doesn’t feel like I have much to work on right now.
Apparently that bothers me. I feel a bit antsy and more-than-a-bit unfocused despite the largely positive trends in my life.
Am I so used to failing that I don’t know what to do when things go well?
It would seem so.
Or maybe not.
I think my predilection for analyzing my own performance, correcting course where I’m failing, and then developing data-capture processes to chart whether or not I’m following through on my improvement plans has been the core of whatever success I’ve had as an aging athlete. It’s exactly what a coach does, and I’ve been coaching my own stubborn self for twenty years now. So I have lots of practice — and Lord knows I’ve needed a lot of correction through the years!
But it also means that I focus on the deficiencies, the areas where I can improve, so I’ve become conditioned to see those negatives. I mostly ignore what’s working the way it should, and I spend a disproportionate amount of energy on those areas of lack, first figuring out what isn’t working and then developing approaches to address them. And not to be immodest, but my structured solutions usually result in success. (Eventually.) It’s seen me qualify for the Boston Marathon, finish an Ironman triathlon, and ride AIDS LifeCycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
But is that a healthy way to live? Not the owning what’s wrong, since that’s part of every life and we need to acknowledge it, but shouldn’t I feel great when everything is in order, when I could — should? — be basking in the glow of my successes?
You would think so.
And you would also think that I’d like to have the opportunity to practice that joy more frequently. But I’m not used to celebrating, because, well, there’s usually something to work on, some aspect of life that can be improved in a significant way. And that’s certainly been true for me during the past couple years. Failing marriage, failing business, major geographic relocation, new relationship — I’ve had an awful lot of open field for many, many, many months.
And I have addressed all of those different pieces of my life, working (more-or-less) diligently to resolve the problems and replace them with other, more satisfying activities, relationships, and experiences. And all that work seems to have now borne fruit.
But that success is also unfamiliar to me, at least in recent memory, and it’s left me oddly distracted and out of sorts. In the past when I’ve felt like this I’ve sought out new challenges, but this time I think my challenge will be to find the enjoyment in the success, to acknowledge that my efforts have yielded results — or at least interim results — that I want. Giving myself credit isn’t something I do naturally, and maybe it’s time I learned.
On the other hand, I hear they’re still holding Ironman events, so maybe once I re-qualify for Boston . . . .
